Invisible Disabilities Awareness Week: Dr Sam Mills
Hello, my name is Samantha Mills and I am an emergency medicine doctor and I have a hidden disability.
When I was first at secondary school I was put into all the top sets as they felt I was clever. In English however I was dropped from the top to the bottom set within a year. I told them I wanted to be a doctor but was told I was 'not smart enough'. Though I passed all my GCSEs I did not get top marks I ranged from A-Cs but I stubbornly chose the A levels needed as a prerequisite to entering medicine, as I wanted to be a doctor.
During my A levels I was sponsored to attend a taster day at Nottingham University for their medical school entry preparation and was told I was a 'natural at the interviews', I just needed the grades. My headmaster told me to drop one of my four A levels and I eventually did, only attaining a B, D and two Es in general studies, maths, chemistry and physics respectively. Needless to say, I was devastated and did not get any offers to the medical schools I had applied to. I had never heard of clearing and a friend picked a science degree for me, as I was too upset and could not understand how my classroom abilities had not transferred into exam results. I assumed I was lazy or had not worked hard enough.
When at university the pattern continued, I could understand complicated ideas but then scrape through my exams to pass. It was only the week before my final exams and too late for any support, that I was assessed and found to be dyslexic. Dyslexia is a neurodivergence from the norm, it means my brain processes information in a different way so I struggle with written communications significantly and on a different level to my intelligence. I didn't really understand what this meant and had always assumed I was not that intelligent or lazy or that people were just better than me. The educational psychologist did many tests and explained to me that even though I was intelligent, with an IQ over the level of a genius but that my reading and writing skills were that of a final year primary school child, approximately 11 years old.
Imagine the frustrations that are involved with being able to think and speak normally, in a way where I can be articulate and with a great wealth of words available to me and then a complete disconnect with my reading and writing. I could spell the word 'then' differently three times in the same sentence and it will read fine every time for me, I could just not see the differences, its like the middle of the words, or the ends are fuzzy and I cannot see the difference as my brain tells me what it expects to be there. So my dreams of becoming a doctor seemed dead, there were no 11year olds I was aware of that were doctors.
I became a forensic scientist, becoming an expert for DNA interpretation and I had to write court statements, which it turns out I was good at. Why could I write detailed scientific court statements and even check the accuracy and grammar of others work but not pass exams as well as I should? Time pressure in exams were preventing my coping strategies from working, I had used them in the classroom without even noticing, to allow me to make up for my dyslexia and reduce its impact on me. So with a promotion looming at work and a free masters degree in forensic science on offer, I decided to do what I promised I wouldn't, go back to university. I must have been out of my mind.
As I felt, like so many others, that my dyslexia was 'not really a thing' I refused all help during this part time post graduate degree, while I still worked full time. Earning my masters with merit without help and in my own time, graduating with my new born son at my side to prove I could thrive in this weird academic world despite the complexities of English, that world not being designed for me and my, as I was beginning to understand it, learning disability. I had never stated I was disabled or that I had a learning disability on any job or university applications. I am honestly not sure if I was ashamed, trying to prove I was not the label I had been given or in denial about the fact that I cannot be or deliver my best without adjustments.
I took voluntary redundancy and moved into a new career, ending up working in one of the largest conglomerates in the world and eventually their European research and development team, having won a diversity and inclusion work for a piece of communications work I had done for people of different faiths and opening up team meetings to be inclusive for shop floor workers where English was not their first language or where workers could not read or write, which was not uncommon in the community I was working with. Though I still felt a fraud and that having reached some form of academic success, I could not class myself as disabled or need additional help, as people still say all the time, if I can do this, then it can't really be a disability.
With my son turning 1 and me turning 30 years old, I realised if I still wanted to be a doctor I needed to look into it seriously and accept that I had a learning disability. I needed to understand what it would mean for me to study medicine, if that was even possible with my terrible grades. After visiting Nottingham University graduate entry medicine (GEM) open day I realised that the masters I did to prove I could do academic work without any help, was worth the same as a 2:1 degree and overrode any poor A level results from over a decade earlier.
I applied for only one medical school, due to my family situation and sat the very difficult and competitive GAMSAT all day exams to get in. I was very fortunate to pass all those academic hurdles, to be given an opportunity to then sit the interviews and achieve acceptance onto the GEM programme. GEM was the hardest degree I had ever undertaken and I needed all the extra time, equipment and support that I could get. As someone who had stubbornly denied I had a learning disability it felt like I was cheating, though I had to pass in exactly the same way as others in all but timed written examinations, where I had extra time.
Seeing how opinions had changed over time in education about my learning disability helped me a lot, it helped me learn to accept that the world has not been developed for the way my brain works. That is not my fault and I should not penalise myself to prove to the world that I was as good as them. If anything, my learning disability and my ability to overcome its limitations means I have a unique perspective in the career I am in. I have an opportunity to role model openness in having a learning disability and to challenge peoples perspectives and prejudices on disability.
I have done school career events highlighting that hard work and perseverance toward your dreams are more important to lifetime success, that individual exam results. As is evident by my careers and life. Also that neurodivergence is not a weakness or limiting to your dreams, it just means the world is not immediately set up to work for you as easily as is it for others. As a result you have to work harder, be open and ask for help but in the long run these are life lessons we all need to learn. The bonus with having your brain work differently is sometimes we make links or see things others miss, so our differences can be a bonus to the team.
If I could give my younger self one piece of advice it would be to accept that I am different sooner and not blame or persecute myself for something I cannot control. I am only different because the world was not set up for me.'
